Some things just don’t change

Well some things just don’t change.  I guess as long as I agree with everything and feel sorry for her she will talk to me, but because I tell her whats need to be said and true, she doesn’t want to talk about it or hear it.  My daughter should be resting yesterday and today since she works tomorrow.  The doctors at the ER did not give her a work slip stating she could not work for so many days here.  They gave her medication for manage the pain while she did some healing, however if one doesn’t rest she isn’t going to feel better.  Yesterday she went swimming then last night was in a lot of pain.  Hello!  Your suppose to be resting not out swimming.  She sent me a text about her pain, so  I called her and she is trying to make plans to go out with her friends and I told her she should just take her pain medication and lay down and relax, but yet in the same conversation exclaims she is in too much pain to work.  Can someone explain to me how the pain is different here for play then for work?  Then she mentioned going back to ER and I said you do that and make sure you tell them how your NOT doing what they said, to rest.  How is her body suppose to heal?  Well because I was not saying things she wanted to hear she just wanted to go!  I said to her its best for her to just pop a movie in and lay down for the day but she says she can’t just lay around and do nothing and I said well then how is your body suppose to heal then?  She hung up!  Its times like this where I just get beyond frustrated and I just crawl inside a shell.

Exhausted today, did not get much sleep

Yesterday I got a text from my daughter that she was at the E.R. and there alone.  She was having severe abdominal pain, right side mostly and shooting to the center she would describe it and was throwing up.  Hubby and my son had some things to do so I asked him to drop me off at the hospital.  I couldn’t bare to know she was there, in pain and alone.  She was sitting in the waiting area when I got there.  When they finally called her back I went back with her.  They did a urine test, blood work to run a variety of tests, put in an IV and gave her fluids and medications, did a pelvic during the five hours I was there with her.  Next up was an ultrasound.  There was fluid around her uterus so they suspected had something to do with her ovaries.  By 7ish, she wanted her boyfriend to be with her and I had not eaten all day and I had to get home to get my dads medications ready, she told me it was okay to go home, and her boyfriend kept me updated from then on.  She called me once after 9 to tell me about her ultrasound experience and was crying, they gave her more pain medication, she was loopy.  Then a little after that I got a message saying they were going to do a CT scan to check her appendix.  I called the hospital at 11 because I didn’t hear anything and here she had to drink some stuff so they could see more clearer from the CT scan.  She was suppose to drink the second round at 11:30pm.  So I told her to make sure they message or call I keep my phone on and went to bed.  I am a very light sleeper as it is, but I really couldn’t sleep until I heard from them.   Finally at 1:30am, I got a message the CT scan was clear that the doctors said she had a cyst that had burst and were sending her home with a prescription for Vicodin.  I am going to try and call her in a while to check on her.

This is the first I seen her in weeks.  She tried to talk about the drama issue but I told her we needed to focus on health right now, when I got there.  She didn’t expect to see me.  Well there was no way I wasn’t going to go you know.  She is my daughter.  Of course a few things never change like in beginning she was taking picture of herself in the bed wearing the hospital gown I helped her get into and took a picture of her IV, apparently to put on facebook.  That girl was wanting to text and I was like girl you can’t bend your arm with your IV in and took her phone and shut it off and put it in her purse.  I swear!  Besides her current medical issue at hand, that girl is just a mess.  A part of me just wanted to steal her away you know.  But I can’t.  I have to let her live her life no matter what direction she is choosing to go.  At one point she must of fallen and scrapped her right leg by her ankle because she has one hell of a scar there.

She doesn’t have insurance but based on her income and situation the hospital gave her some paperwork to fill out to help her with her expenses, so I think she will be okay there.  I am just thankful it wasn’t something much worse!!

So today I am exhausted, as you can imagine I didn’t get much sleep.  I did a load of towels, ran for groceries, will cook dinner but I think that is all I am doing today.  The rest of my stuff can just wait.

Sometimes she forgets who she is talking too

Wow sometimes that girl seriously forgets who she is talking too.  I am her mother, not some girl on the street corner, not someone she just met at the mall, or went to school with, or is giving her an order where she works.  Ironically though all of them get more respect than I do!  It was such a bad afternoon I so wanted to  just take a hammer to my cell phone.  One minute she is sending me a picture of her and a little girl which she refer to as her future step daughter (seriously it will be two weeks?) and then next message said she and the guy had an argument but then compared him to being like MY husband with having a case of what I call Jacci-itis sometimes, but changed the name to his EX’s name.  WTH was that? Seriously?  So all I did was ask if she was okay, meaning are they fine now and then the call!  Honest to gosh that girl.  When I asked why she said that, what did they argue about, as I just wanted to know why she compared him to my hubby, that girl had the nerve to say its personal and none of my business!  Hey fine then don’t flipping send me text messages telling me you had an argument then.  Seriously!  OMG.  What am I suppose to do or say anymore.  Pins and needles?  I can’t do pins and needles anymore.  I been sick for days over the situation she is in now as it is, then the crap on top of it?  Talking to me like I am just crap!  I told hubby I don’t want another cell phone come end of this contract and I mean it!  I don’t want it period.  To me I sit and stare at it and its just another tool that is used to hurt me.  Its hard to explain without going into deep details.  I told her she isn’t to come to my sons graduation party, not with all this drama.  No!  I just assume give him the money we are paying out for it and call it day, but that isn’t fair to him, she just going to have to miss out.  She needs to work on getting her life in order and let my son has his day and let us enjoy is drama free.   She is putting the blame of all the drama on everyone around her, but HER.  She isn’t owning up to her part.    Then just before bed she sends  hubby and I both an I love and miss you text.  He said he swears she is on drugs or something, she is like night and day.  I know she drinks I smelled it on her breath when she come home before when out with her friends.  Maybe that is the issue I don’t know.

Emotionally I am worn out, she beat me down for years and has painted this picture that we are close.  We are not.  I fought tooth and nail trying for years to have a relationship with her.  I had to let her go and that was the hardest thing but I did what I had to do and I love and pray for her every day.  Mom needs time to mend and emotionally I have not had the chance because of the things this girl has continued to do, and drags the drama here in my world and I just can’t deal with it.  Its too hard.  I ask myself where in the hell did I go wrong?  My mom was never there for me and I raised my children to the best of my ability and nothing like how I was raised.  I thought she and I would be so close, inseparable, its what I wanted so much since the day she was born, but for now its not that way .  I know in time she will snap back to reality, but this is hard, just so hard.

Wow it was a hot one yesterday

Wow yesterday sure was a hot one!  The night before we decided to turn the ancient air conditioner on to run so that it didn’t have to work at hard in cooling the house down the following day.  Of course when I woke up, my dad had SHUT it off and had the door wide open, I was so upset.  Luckily its was too late as I don’t sleep in that late and closed the house back up and turned it back on.  We had some serious storms last night.  I did not get much sleep.  I seen online there was an earthquake in Canada and it was even felt as far as Cleveland, OH, which isn’t too far from us!  Birthing pains folks! Birthing pains!

Well after talking to my mom I finally heard from my daughter.  At least I know she is alive.  But the circumstances are not any better really.  She is staying with someone now who she is “dating” and this time around there are children involved.  Yes she is dating a single dad.  I told her she better flipping know what the hell she is doing because now its not just her and and a guy involved here, but children!  I just cried.  I cry so much.  Constantly asking myself where I go wrong but I know its not that I did anything wrong.  Our children grow up  and go their own ways, regardless of what we do.  But I cry!  I don’t feel she should come to my sons graduation party either.  Under the current circumstances of things it really is best she just let him has HIS day and party.  I don’t want it to be focused around her and her life you know.  Many will ask questions.  I just feel she should miss it.  OH no she is insisting she is coming.   Her reasoning?  What would the family think.  Its not even for the right reason in the first place.  Just for “show”.  NO!  So I am battling that inside right now.  I don’t want to push her away anymore than she is but I don’t want this special moment for my son ruined.  I don’t want to be stressed that day, on pins and needles where I can’t enjoy the party myself.   Not only that she didn’t come like she promised for his birthday and she didn’t go to his graduation.  So I just assume she sit this one out.   I feel so torn inside.  Its not fair, I didn’t put myself in this position you know!

So today its much cooler, the storms that came through last night really cooled things off, I have the doors open and enjoying a wonderful breeze, and listening to the birds chirp, well until dad came back that is, now I am listening to Walker, Texas Ranger which seriously he needs to turn DOWN!!

Think Verizon is on its way out come August!

Well it looks like hubby and I will be switching cell phone carriers come August 9th!  We were going to stay with them until they told us to get the newer version of the phone we already have, we have to add an additional $9.95 a month per phone for data fees!  Seriously!  We already have the same phone, it just an upgraded, newer version,  nothing added on that this one doesn’t have, but they want to charge us more?  OH that is so not going to happen!  As it is there is only one room in the house that 90% of the time I don’t drop calls from, and that is our bedroom, and in warmer months I go out on our porch area to make calls.  Winter time its my room or no where or the calls drop like flies.  Ironic isn’t it, the network with the fewer dropped calls by behind.  When I compare them to sprint they have same coverage for  what we need.  Sprint is cheaper and their plan even includes INTERNET and unlimited calls to any cell phone.  Not to mention if we was to consider adding Internet to our plan with Verizon, its another $30 per month per phone!  Not happening!  So hubby is debating what he wants to do.  Personally I don’t want mine anymore.  After all I been through with my daughter who can’t even talk to me without sending or replying to a text, I just assume not have it.  I wish hubby just put the home line back in for me for the $29 a month that AT&T wants and do away with me having a cell phone again!  Just go back to him  having one but for some reason he insists on me having one.  Hey I love to have the new ipad but I don’t see me getting that!   Heck if I did have one I so would get the ipad insurance too.   They are so cool looking aren’t they.  The point I am trying to make is I don’t understand if I don’t want the cell phone WHY do I have to have one?  For what, four years now I have been without a land line aka house phone.  I think it sucks.  I get he doesn’t want to have both cell phones and a house phone but what I don’t understand is, why can’t I choose which I want?

I did check and there is this plan for Seniors, where dad would qualify for a cell phone free of charge, so he would still have a phone on him for emergencies!  He get so many monthly minutes too.  So I think we should sign dad up for that and quit paying for his line too but I wonder if dad will have a fit about that too!

The wedding was beautiful

Yesterday hubby and I got all dressed up and headed out for our journey to attend our nephews wedding.  I am glad we gave ourselves an extra half hour there because on our way there, the road was blocked off my the state troopers.  Hubby wanted me to turn on the GPS but I told him that wasn’t going to help as “it” didn’t know where the accident was, that he needed to turn off into the gas station that was right there, get out and go ask the trooper for another way that would get us back on the state route we needed to be on!  Man did he not want to do that.  What is with asking for directions?  He was going to ask the person inside the gas station even and I said now seriously how do they even know how far down the accident is to tell us?  Men!  He finally walked over and the state trooper was more than helpful and told him exactly where to go!  As matter of fact on our way home the road was still closed off.  Turns out we found out on the news a tanker had over turned and thousands of gallons of gas leaked out and into the lake there too.  It is still closed off yet today and people had to be evacuated from their homes.

The wedding was beautiful, outside at a golf course and by time we reach the general area I had to turn on the trusty GPS because no way we would of  found it.  It was like off in the country and secluded!  Beautiful and short.  Wow!  After that we headed over to their grandmas farm for the reception.  It was pretty warm and humid though.  Whew!  But we had a wonderful time.

My dad and my son went to the car races.  It was nice that dad thought to do something with my son, I love when they do things and spend quality time together like that.  I didn’t even know until that day dad had even planned on doing that.  So I left money for my son to go and to cover his drinks.  My son was telling me they were raffling away a ps3 and that grandpa bought him a raffle for it and it was autograph night so he got a picture from one of the local racing guys with his signature on it!  That was pretty cool.  He asked if I would put it up for him and out during his graduation party. How cool is that!  Yesterday morning we shipped the laptop back to the school so he is now without Internet.  I need to clean up his computer a bit then get some virus and spyware protection software on it then he can use it to connect to Internet again and get back in touch with his friends!

Today is fathers day!  My dad left for a ride so I took hubby and my son to brunch.  Then we hit Target for a few things and came home.  No calls from my daughter.  You think she would of at least send a text to hubby to wish him a Happy Fathers Day but she didn’t.  Oh well what can one do, but love and pray for her!  That is what we are doing.  My stepson is here now visiting with his dad!  Dad?  Ha he just left for another drive since he ate dinner!  Burgers off the grill tonight!

The wedding is tomorrow

The past three days I just seem to have zoned out.  I got a voice message from my daughter and well that situation went from bad to worse, she isn’t with the boyfriend anymore and why she didn’t give me to much details just that she was staying with friends, then named a certain person is even allowed in our home and lets just leave it at that,  influence is really everything anymore today!  So as long as she is with that person or that group of who ever the other people are, I don’t know where she is.  At least before I knew where she was in a sense and knew she was safe.  Now I truly and relying on my faith here.  All I can do is love her and pray.

Got a copy of my sons birth certificate and well that is wrong.  I have used the birth record the hospital gave us when he was born all these years, I never had to get a copy of the certificate and guessing my idiot EX didn’t proof very well because I didn’t see the information or I would of caught it.  Nice!  That didn’t exactly help matters.  However my son has said he is going to court and legally change his last name to my hubby’s last name so in reality, the error doesn’t  matter after all right!  The paperwork is coming from the courthouse!

I have been thinking of maybe going back to work.  With the training I had in the Navy it would equal out to being a nurse assistant or medical assistant, but since its been quite a few years since I worked in the field, I thought about going to a medical assisting school for a refresher and get updated with the times as they have changed technology wise.  I still have not made my final decision.  Sometimes I just feel I need out of this house, but I do have responsibilities as a caregiver to my father and honestly I don’t know if I could both.   So I am up and down with it.

Tomorrow is the wedding for our nephew and his new bride to be.  We have to travel two hours one way, then two hours back after.  I went this morning and got a pretty gift bag, tissue paper and card.  We are taking our cooler too to keep the gift bag in with the candle and melts in it to protect it from the heat and humidity we are suppose to have tomorrow!

Then Sunday is Fathers Day and unsure exactly what we are doing!

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