Long weekend and checked with the nurse

This weekend was just a long, long weekend.  Saturday I had words with my daughter that lead to me screaming and feeling as if I was going to explode.  I told her to get out, go find out what the world is like out there and who is going to be there and do for her what I have or my husband has done.  I was just telling a friend I think I should write a book!  Add that to the mix of what is on my plate with my father, it makes for a rough weekend.  I have been taking a 1/2 of a xanax during the day since Saturday because if I don’t then I can’t eat nothing, not even a cracker!  Nerves are shot for sure.

I just got off the phone with the nurse over at the RA doctors office.  Yes dad has osteoarthritis but also osteoporosis and she said you do not want your father to fall its pretty advanced she said.  She said we think the best treatment option for the osteoporosis is the once a year treatment via IV called Reclast.  He would have to go to the hospital to receive it and would take about twenty minutes.  She is sending to the insurance to see how much they will cover (prior authorization)…. so waiting to hear back to see if this is the path we will go.

They are concerned about his going to tractor pulls too, since he took a tumble and fell last year.  I told her that the doctor would have to be the one to discuss that with him, as he won’t listen to me, he will do what he wants anyhow.  She said if he took another tumble like that it would be the worst thing to happen for him.  Hey you don’t have to convince me here.  Don’t I know it!  I was a Corpsman in the Navy, I know!  Trust me I know.  I sometimes think that is why I had the training I had, to prepare me for the past ten years I have been taking care of my father, since they (Navy) lost my initial schooling (position) I signed up for in the first place.

But I have to start taking care of me.  How do I do that?  I have no clue,  honestly and shamefully I admit Susan has always spent her life taking care of others.  This is going to be new territory for me so baby steps and I will take care of me.  I am stepping back.  I am one person and everyone around me here at home is just going to have to deal with change, or they are going to end up being the ones checking with nurses and doctors regarding me!  I am not going to magically feel better the next day either.  I laid down for a little bit and  well you laid down and rested for an hour, yes for that day for an hour, that doesn’t fix all the emotional wear and tear I feel right now. Its a step!  Its not going to be by anyone in this house time frame either.  MINE.  Only I know my body, how I feel and I am going to try so very very hard to get me back to ME.

Missing: ME, I want ME back!  I want to do this without the doctors putting me on medication for depression!  I don’t want anymore medication, with all I take now, I don’t want anymore!

Feeling sick to my stomach, think I reached my limit

I am feeling pretty sick to my stomach tonight, I gotta tell you, I think nerves wise, I have reached my limit.  Dad went to his appointment this morning came home, said they did x-rays of his body (whole) because he never had done it before and the doctor just wanted pictures of his bones and they did the usual blood work.  I thought it was kind of odd the way he worded it, and I said well they did do a scan of his neck area because that is how we found the rheumatoid arthritis in the first place five years ago, so I know she has that on file, not to mention all those CT scans he has.  But I let it go.  I went about my day, he left and then about 4:45pm I got a voice mail.  Darn cell didn’t even ring for me to pick up!  It was the nurse from the doctors office and they got the results of his bone density test and he needs to begin treatment.  (Imagine my shock and stun-ness as I am listening to this voice mail.)  She said to call her on Monday so we can discuss treatment options for osteoarthritis.  So of course my nerves are a little more off, and my dad comes home I tell him about the message, he tells me how he won’t get the cortisone shots too painful, and up and decides to go back to the mall.  My daughter was at the mall with her friend tonight.

Well its the business expo this weekend and my dad was telling the sales manager from where my daughter works about how he has another type of arthritis and told him, ready for this.. that he is going to REFUSE treatment if it means he can’t have Humira anymore.  Now imagine my feeling sick to my stomach now.  Sometime tells me this was discussed at his appointment and he just was keeping from me.  I can’t shake the feeling.  I won’t know 100% for sure until Monday but let me tell you I will so BLOW if that is the case.

What he doesn’t realize is that isn’t his decision to make.  It’s the doctors, if this medication is making the other type of arthritis worse, then he can’t have it.  I never mentioned to him he may not get to take Humira anymore.  Never said that at all!  So why would he just come up with that all on his own?  All I said to him was what the nurse left on my cell, to call her to discuss treatment options.  If she (doctor) no longer prescribes that medication, then that is that.  How can he just say that?  We can’t up the Predisone because of the lung nodules he has, so at this point it is crazy to sit and drive ourselves crazy trying to figure it out until I talk to the nurse on Monday.  I wasn’t going to dwell on it you know, to drive myself crazy.

This royally sucks, then blows.  So he is keeping things from me?  I mean he said this morning it was just a nothing thing and then sat this evening telling hubby how he explained about his shoulder and neck hurting and more details.  I just don’t understand.  I never felt so twisted and pulled in so many directions in all my life.  I think I reached my limit.

Changed his appointment time

My dads RA doctors office called me a little bit ago, he had an appointment tomorrow at 8:00 a.m. but moving his appointment back a little to 9:30 a.m. because of the bad weather we are expecting.  He isn’t happy.  What can I do?  I explained to him that the doctor doesn’t live locally she has to travel so she is just planning ahead and being safe and thinking of her patients too.  They even had a few cancellations as well.  Of course I had to laugh when the nurse said she didn’t want him out on the roads before the plow trucks.  Its obvious they don’t realize who they are dealing with, he is out before the plow trucks anyhow, I mean who do you think moves the snow for them!  LOL

I been trying to talk some sense into my dad but I am no getting anywhere.  As you know he donated his body to science but there are stipulations and he needs to have a plan B.   Say for example he was to die during surgery, they would not take his body.  He has be within so many miles of the facility and within certain hours so they can preserve the body.  If they don’t need donations at that particular time they won’t accept it either.  So we need a plan B for the funeral cost and burial expenses here.  My dad just expects us to take care of that, and I think that is totally unfair of him to expect!

Do you or have you watched the show George Lopez?  Where Angie’s mom passed away and they decided to give their plots to her parents and take care of each other at the time it happens, and Angie says to George, “your gonna dump off on the city aren’t you?”  Cracks me up.  Can people seriously do that?  I couldn’t imagine that.  But it gives you a laugh or a little humor when it comes to this topic.  I wonder since dad watches this show so much, does he think that is all we have to do?

All he have to do is just take a little out of that gas budget of his (fuel for his car) and say not drive 1000 miles a week.  Yes folks you read that correctly, he is putting 1000 miles a week on his car, I have been keeping track since I get to use the car on Monday’s to go to IGA around the corner for a quick run for meat, milk and bread for the week.  If he can afford that, he can afford to prepare for later on, just my opinion anyway!

Choking seems to be on a daily basis now

Well I am at my wits end with my dad, but I am sure with my of my readers, that doesn’t come as a shock!  Choking seems to be a daily issue for my dad now, when he eats.  I can hear that aspirating noise.  He takes too much food at one time (too big of bite) and its like talking to the wall!  He is not upset that I am cutting up meat too small.  Well when he left the hospital in November, 2008, his meat was suppose to all be ground so I think he is already pushing the bar here!  His COPD is really acting up, I don’t think he is taking the Mucinex and he looked pretty pale this morning.  I wish I had an oximeter here at the house.  I tried last winter to find an organization that could help with getting him one but no luck.  I try like heck to get my dad to buy one but as you can see he still hasn’t.  I like to make sure he is getting enough oxygen because sometimes I don’t think he is.  He just shrugs his shoulders at me, like oh well.  He doesn’t breath using his nose at all, just his mouth and with the COPD the way it is right now, he can’t possibly be getting what he needs.

Personally I think the growth in his throat is back but hubby thinks it would of shown up when they did the Pet Scan.  I thought only the cancerous stuff would of shown.  Something has to be in his throat for him to be choking so much.  We have already made adjustments to his medication, making sure the pills are smaller in size.  What else can I do?  Nothing!   I hate having to listen to him each and every day choke.  I document it each time.

Today I feel very exhausted and tired.  I am not sleeping well at all at night.  I often wonder what it be like to just stay in bed just one day, without having to be sick.  The family just isn’t going to allow that to happen!!

Got the laptop fixed for dad!

This weekend has just been crazy for me in the world of technology! The power cord came that I ordered (replacement) for the laptop and I crossed my fingers went into my bedroom, plugged it in, took a deep breath and the laptop turned on! When it loaded goodness it was stuck at POGO!! So definitely dad was down to just the battery and it just powered on him! It took me two days to clean up the laptop to make it look like new and then I spent close to five hours reformatting the drive and doing those crazy updates for it and getting an anti-virus and spyware protection program installed on it. My dad isn’t knowledge able when it comes to cleaning up history and such so I have it set to auto empty and all that fun stuff. I had told him I wasn’t feeling well and was laying down since I was in my room behind a closed door working away as I wanted to make sure all was good before I gave it to him!

I have to admit I was a bit disappointed at his reaction. I wrapped it up in a towel and came out and told him I had a surprise for him and he just said oh its the laptop, I expected him to be so excited after going two weeks without it and thinking it was a goner period. I cried later when I went to bed. I mean I put a lot of time into researching, checking and stuff and just expected at least a THANK YOU! I swear you think expressing gratitude with words is like passing a kidney stone or something, very painful!

I am kinda head-achy today, I surely hope this isn’t a warning that a migraine is going to pop up later in the day! Of course with the frustrations with our own printer after fixing dads laptop (oh I stand correct its hubby’s old one and he is letting dad use it, never said he gave to him did I mention he mentioned that in front of dad too?). There was an issue that lead to me erasing my disk and reinstalling software on my Mac (grr) which was a very easy process but was the only way to fix. Good thing I only needed to back up just a few things. I tell you crazy! That was my evening last night and I made sure I went to the website for updated installation and not using the DVD that came with the printer in the first place.

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