Long weekend and checked with the nurse

This weekend was just a long, long weekend.  Saturday I had words with my daughter that lead to me screaming and feeling as if I was going to explode.  I told her to get out, go find out what the world is like out there and who is going to be there and do for her what I have or my husband has done.  I was just telling a friend I think I should write a book!  Add that to the mix of what is on my plate with my father, it makes for a rough weekend.  I have been taking a 1/2 of a xanax during the day since Saturday because if I don’t then I can’t eat nothing, not even a cracker!  Nerves are shot for sure.

I just got off the phone with the nurse over at the RA doctors office.  Yes dad has osteoarthritis but also osteoporosis and she said you do not want your father to fall its pretty advanced she said.  She said we think the best treatment option for the osteoporosis is the once a year treatment via IV called Reclast.  He would have to go to the hospital to receive it and would take about twenty minutes.  She is sending to the insurance to see how much they will cover (prior authorization)…. so waiting to hear back to see if this is the path we will go.

They are concerned about his going to tractor pulls too, since he took a tumble and fell last year.  I told her that the doctor would have to be the one to discuss that with him, as he won’t listen to me, he will do what he wants anyhow.  She said if he took another tumble like that it would be the worst thing to happen for him.  Hey you don’t have to convince me here.  Don’t I know it!  I was a Corpsman in the Navy, I know!  Trust me I know.  I sometimes think that is why I had the training I had, to prepare me for the past ten years I have been taking care of my father, since they (Navy) lost my initial schooling (position) I signed up for in the first place.

But I have to start taking care of me.  How do I do that?  I have no clue,  honestly and shamefully I admit Susan has always spent her life taking care of others.  This is going to be new territory for me so baby steps and I will take care of me.  I am stepping back.  I am one person and everyone around me here at home is just going to have to deal with change, or they are going to end up being the ones checking with nurses and doctors regarding me!  I am not going to magically feel better the next day either.  I laid down for a little bit and  well you laid down and rested for an hour, yes for that day for an hour, that doesn’t fix all the emotional wear and tear I feel right now. Its a step!  Its not going to be by anyone in this house time frame either.  MINE.  Only I know my body, how I feel and I am going to try so very very hard to get me back to ME.

Missing: ME, I want ME back!  I want to do this without the doctors putting me on medication for depression!  I don’t want anymore medication, with all I take now, I don’t want anymore!