Protected: Emotional Times…..

June 25, 2007

Seems like Sundays seem to go really down hill for me emotionally. My hubby uses this TOV with me sometimes that he has NEVER EVER used with my stepson! If you are wondering what TOV is, its tone of voice. I tell him TOV I am not your kid, I am your wife don’t talk to me like that. Somedays I really could just take off and not tell anyone where I am. Its coming faster than anyone knows!!! I got a double decker of sorts. First I go grocery shopping I wasn’t gone 15 minutes someone bought another lighter. So when I say something he is like on like you don’t use the account. Actually I don’t cause I am not allowed. I said I used my blog money to get my art piece I ordered, and he said so what I need to get a second job too to spend money out of the account? WTF was that?? I said well I don’t use it less it docs, meds or food cause I know its not for me to use. I said gee whiz its not even the end of June and this makes 5 lighters that came out of the account, I said you seem to forget you got a collection set for our Anniversary and Father’s Day plus you have ordered one last weekend plus this one, thats 5 in one month. ALL of them came from checking in one month’s time. Of course there isn’t money for me, there never is! Then my daughter is talking about moving out of state which if she does I will be in therapy because I only pictured her living in the state so I could be an active part of my grandkids lives. MY mom and I don’t have a relationship, never did, never will. My kids I have worked really damn hard and planned on being there for them always and babysitting for them so they never have to go through what they did or carry the guilt I carry for the rest of my life from the sitter who abused my kids. And she and her friends planning to get away so I said to Hubby if she seriously moves out of state and marry’s we are gonna have to move closer. WELL I guess I am going alone. Nice one.

He seems to have these grand plans of traveling. Oh what planet? WE don’t have that kind of money now what makes him think its magically gonna appear when he retires? And hello 65 years old? As if he is gonna wanna travel all the time. Hell we don’t do SHIT now and he is only in his forties! It scares me to see how my dad is, how much our house payment is and its still have 29 years plus 3 months before its paid off. All I ever said in life I wanted to do was take a cruise, maybe to Hawaii and go to Italy. I was told Italy never will happen as he will not ever fly. So that leaves a cruise. But do you really think I wanna wait till he retires? Shit I wanna go sooner than that, I wanna enjoy it not be sitting on the poop deck worn out from walking from our cabin to the deck! Thats ever all I ever said I wanted to do travel wise.

But he has made this plans, so tell me, was that with me? NO, its nice to know someone is making all my decisions. I thought marriage was a two way deal, a partnership, compromise, 50/50. Hmmm I guess I was wrong. And if my kids do move away, I am telling you now I better see a therapist so I can handle it because I never imagined that they live in another state from me. I always pictured us being a close and getting to be an active grandparent. I know she still has time and who is to say that will happen but he says what if it was his son. So I said oh ok, hmm gee who was it that flipping fought for you to have time with your son has he use to lie and say he had to work and then took off tho be with his friends and write in his blog bragging ha ha and got away with it hmm? Who said one day you will regret that? Don’t even throw that in my face. Its not MY fault he just shows up here unexpectedly for two hours to dawn you with his presence. As I sit taking my my shoes off cause the walk is off now, or the nature hike or something. I am sick of being put aside. What am I? A comfort zone? Stability cause I am always here?

One day people are going to push me and keep putting me aside and I am just gonna disappear…… No one to blame but themselves. I’m tired emotionally. I bury myself in my scrapping or creativity all the time cause I am stuck in this house. I can’t spend any money on myself w/o asking first. Hell someone couldn’t even take the time, make the time to do a little something for our anniversary but yet I did! Imagine that me with NO car cause we have one car and he has it for work………….and if I even say a peep then they assume its just to make others feel bad so really what is the point??????

Realization growing up, I didn’t matter really, I was a built in free slave honestly. From the age of 12 until I moved out and rented a house with my babies, (and then they came over every night for dinner as I lived behind where they worked) I did all the cooking and all the cleaning while my mom laid on her ass watching tv and waited on her hand and foot and my dad sat there drinking his beer cause that is how he handled things. Most kids were out playing and having fun, while I sat at home. I sit outside just to get outside and watch my dad work in the yard or on cars. Nope could not have friends spend the night, if they called I got a whole 1 minute to talk. So getting a job at 16 and paying for my own clothes and lunches was a highlight, this is why I joined the Navy, to get away. But I came back home to care for my dad after that because everyone else gave up on him when he has his annerism and 10 hour brain surgery and strokes. So I guess I am just a little sensative in this area of my kids saying they are leaving. Perhaps because of why I felt I had to leave to get away from my mother and when I found out I was pregnant I still have my journal how happy I was and I wanted my first baby to be a girl and this was someone who would love me unconditionally. And I always planned to be there even for my grandkids and not tell my daughter you don’t get a break till they are 18 when she calls to see if I can babysit so she can have a lil time alone.

Now I take care of my dad. It’s a responsibility I don’t take lightly. He has no one else. So then I sit and I wonder who is gonna be there for me at that age? Will anyone help me someday if my health is bad? Or will I be stuck??? Thats an awlful feeling to have but those are things I think about.

Posted by Editor | Filed Under Lifesavers

Comments

2 Responses to “Protected: Emotional Times…..”

Sarah on June 25th, 2007 9:12 am

WOW that was a lot to take in. I know that you want to be an active grandparent and I honestly believe that you will get to. I dont know where I am going or what my life is going to hold for me after this year. I am soo scared that I am going to have to face this world alone. I know that you will always be there for me no matter what. We have been through a lot. Our past…that was something that we both will never forget. I am sorry that Harry is acting the way that he is. You did nothing but defend him and try to get Jon to see that he should care about all of his family members not just the ones that let him drink. Trust me, I have heard everything and there are times where I am shocked that you havent left. You know something…our relationship has never been as strong as it is now. I love our mother-daugher days. Even if its just a trip to wolly world to get some stuff (wal-mart). And I am sooo excited for next Tuesday. I cant wait to see what you have planed.

No matter how far we are…I want you to know this…I am thankful for alll that you have done for me. I would not be who I am today if it was not for you. You never gave up on me…like someone did. Leaving you will be the hardest thing that I will ever do. LOL i couldnt even get an X-ray with out you…and I am 17! So I just want to let you know. You will always be my mom and that I am proud to be your daughter.
Amy on June 27th, 2007 8:04 am

(((Susan))) I cant totally understand how you feel! I was always the child who wanted away, wanted to move far, far, away and when time came, and I had children….I didn’t have the heart to do so. Im 31 and still have never moved away from my mom. I couldnt bare to take the grandkids away from them, even if they do treat me crappy from time to time.
I didn’t realize things weren’t good with your hubby. I’m sorry! I do have a good relationship here with Brian but recently its been miss Haley driving me batty! lol!

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